patience.

After a series of minor (read:  minor, but in my over-analytical, girly mind, major) events in my life, I've come to a major realization.

I finished up in grad school in May, while nursing my mom back to health and searching for my first post-CS (CS - Clinton School) job.  My mom was doing beautifully, but the job search, not so much.  I was beginning to be really stressed and feeling down.  I mean, I'd gone to school for pretty much my entire life and I had always done well.  I followed the rules and did what I thought I was supposed to do.  WHHHYYYYYYYYYYY was this search so annoyingly long and unfruitful??

Well, by August, I had gone to a few informational interviews, spoken with awesome people who I thought might be able to get me through the door of some agency, and I'd even sent my resume out to tons of folks.  Nothing seemed to be turning up.  But then, I got a call from a good family friend, the mother of one of my dearest friends.  She told me about a job opening in the building where she works and details, salary, all that.  This lady saw the posting and thought that my experiences at the Clinton School would fit in perfectly with what this position was offering.  She also let me know that the guy hiring for that job would be calling me soon.  Well, the guy did call me, telling me more about the position and what I might be doing and all that good stuff.  Then, he goes, "Would you like to interview for this position?"  Me:  "Sure!"  Him:  "Okay, what about tomorrow?"  Me:  (thinking) Oh crap, can I really prepare for an interview that quickly?  "Yes!"

I interviewed for that position the next day, a Wednesday.  The interview was pretty lengthy, but relaxed, and long story short, about an hour after my interview was over, the guy called to hire me!  LOOK AT GOD!

What was even cooler was that I started that new job five days later!  LOOK AT GOD SOME MO!  I received what I needed at the time where God ordained it.

Okay, now, I need to you just put a pin in that story...

Over the course of the last year, I'd fallen in love with my best friend.  He knew how I felt, and without going into a whole lot of detail, he decided that someone else was the person he needed to be with and that HURT.  Horribly.

I've grown from that experience and moved on (for the most part, I mean, there are times when I question myself), but sometimes I find myself asking of God why I have to deal with such things.  Like, right now, why do I have to deal with family members (close ones, at that) who don't seemingly care for or support me, or why did we have to go through my mother getting sick, and why, again, Lord, am I dealing with the evasiveness of love in my life?

I have moments of clarity sometimes when I give myself a figurative punch in the throat and think, WHY NOT YOU??  Why shouldn't you go through these things?  The things we deal with many times have nothing at all to do with us.  Sometimes these situations do have something to do with us, but it is God's way of growing us and MAKING US learn and change when we need to.  He won't allow us to have what we want until we get WHAT WE NEED and understand it and can give in fully to His will.  I'm learning that now.  The family thing, caring for a healing mother, finding love, God's taking me through some storms so that I will have the patience to make it through when I really do hit a rough patch.  As annoying and tiring and frustrating as all these things can be, as a follower of Christ, these are the inevitable trials I will endure.

He's teaching me to not sweat the small stuff and count it all joy.  He's teaching me that you have to be at a place where you can truly appreciate things like family dysfunction (because it can always be worse, right?), and what it's like to have to care for someone who'd previously cared for you, and to wait for genuine love to come along.  None of those things are minor by any stretch of the imagination.  Having them at the wrong time can lead to destruction.  There is an appointed time for everything and everything has its appointed time.  So that brings me to hearing the voice of the Lord and that phrase I (am learning not to) dread....

BE PATIENT.

It is becoming my daily mantra.  Be patient.  Things will come as they will and as they should.  Worry doesn't do anything but slow down progress and decrease faith in God.  Be patient.  Still, look at the AMAZING things God has done (like, waked you up this morning, for starters), thank Him for His presence in your life, know and understand that His timing is perfect and on time.  But be patient.

This is a (long) process.  A never-ending one.  But I am on it.

For now, learning patience is my cross to bear.

Salaam,

jMed.