patience.

After a series of minor (read:  minor, but in my over-analytical, girly mind, major) events in my life, I've come to a major realization.

I finished up in grad school in May, while nursing my mom back to health and searching for my first post-CS (CS - Clinton School) job.  My mom was doing beautifully, but the job search, not so much.  I was beginning to be really stressed and feeling down.  I mean, I'd gone to school for pretty much my entire life and I had always done well.  I followed the rules and did what I thought I was supposed to do.  WHHHYYYYYYYYYYY was this search so annoyingly long and unfruitful??

Well, by August, I had gone to a few informational interviews, spoken with awesome people who I thought might be able to get me through the door of some agency, and I'd even sent my resume out to tons of folks.  Nothing seemed to be turning up.  But then, I got a call from a good family friend, the mother of one of my dearest friends.  She told me about a job opening in the building where she works and details, salary, all that.  This lady saw the posting and thought that my experiences at the Clinton School would fit in perfectly with what this position was offering.  She also let me know that the guy hiring for that job would be calling me soon.  Well, the guy did call me, telling me more about the position and what I might be doing and all that good stuff.  Then, he goes, "Would you like to interview for this position?"  Me:  "Sure!"  Him:  "Okay, what about tomorrow?"  Me:  (thinking) Oh crap, can I really prepare for an interview that quickly?  "Yes!"

I interviewed for that position the next day, a Wednesday.  The interview was pretty lengthy, but relaxed, and long story short, about an hour after my interview was over, the guy called to hire me!  LOOK AT GOD!

What was even cooler was that I started that new job five days later!  LOOK AT GOD SOME MO!  I received what I needed at the time where God ordained it.

Okay, now, I need to you just put a pin in that story...

Over the course of the last year, I'd fallen in love with my best friend.  He knew how I felt, and without going into a whole lot of detail, he decided that someone else was the person he needed to be with and that HURT.  Horribly.

I've grown from that experience and moved on (for the most part, I mean, there are times when I question myself), but sometimes I find myself asking of God why I have to deal with such things.  Like, right now, why do I have to deal with family members (close ones, at that) who don't seemingly care for or support me, or why did we have to go through my mother getting sick, and why, again, Lord, am I dealing with the evasiveness of love in my life?

I have moments of clarity sometimes when I give myself a figurative punch in the throat and think, WHY NOT YOU??  Why shouldn't you go through these things?  The things we deal with many times have nothing at all to do with us.  Sometimes these situations do have something to do with us, but it is God's way of growing us and MAKING US learn and change when we need to.  He won't allow us to have what we want until we get WHAT WE NEED and understand it and can give in fully to His will.  I'm learning that now.  The family thing, caring for a healing mother, finding love, God's taking me through some storms so that I will have the patience to make it through when I really do hit a rough patch.  As annoying and tiring and frustrating as all these things can be, as a follower of Christ, these are the inevitable trials I will endure.

He's teaching me to not sweat the small stuff and count it all joy.  He's teaching me that you have to be at a place where you can truly appreciate things like family dysfunction (because it can always be worse, right?), and what it's like to have to care for someone who'd previously cared for you, and to wait for genuine love to come along.  None of those things are minor by any stretch of the imagination.  Having them at the wrong time can lead to destruction.  There is an appointed time for everything and everything has its appointed time.  So that brings me to hearing the voice of the Lord and that phrase I (am learning not to) dread....

BE PATIENT.

It is becoming my daily mantra.  Be patient.  Things will come as they will and as they should.  Worry doesn't do anything but slow down progress and decrease faith in God.  Be patient.  Still, look at the AMAZING things God has done (like, waked you up this morning, for starters), thank Him for His presence in your life, know and understand that His timing is perfect and on time.  But be patient.

This is a (long) process.  A never-ending one.  But I am on it.

For now, learning patience is my cross to bear.

Salaam,

jMed.

perhaps i'll keep up this time...

Dear friends,

It has been almost five months to the day since I last wrote.  I started out the new year thinking that I would write more and be a better blogger, but God had other plans...

...Only a couple of weeks after I wrote that last entry on January third, my mom got sick.  At first, we didn't know what was going on, but after a couple of agonizing weeks of doctors and tests and fear and uncertainty and anger, we finally figured it out.  Without going into a lot of detail, she is doing much better, al7amdulillah, and we are getting her healthy again.  I don't know why this had to happen to my family, but God definitely had a plan to get us all to listen to Him and pay attention.

Not only was I dealing with getting my Mama healthy, I was finishing up grad school...My, how the time flies.  I feel like I just started at the Clinton School yesterday and now I've finished!  I just keep thinking that a year ago today, I was in Amman, having my first real taste of the big wide world and now I'm back.  Time really does go by quickly!

I'm searching for jobs and figuring out what it is that I'd like to do for the time being.  Man, that is a  hard thing to think about because my interests are all over the place.  I love people.  I get excited about talking to people.  I am interested in politics.  Middle East affairs.  Writing.  I could find my niche anywhere, but I've got to narrow it down.  Anyway, that's my life right now...

I can't believe that we're about to be in the middle of the year.  With everything that's been going on, you'd think that I'd be going bat mess crazy, but I am really content.  I am happy.  My perspective on life and love and everything has changed.  I spend more time doing the things I enjoy and being with the people I love.  Perspective.  There's that word again.  Man.  It's powerful.

Until next time (which will hopefully NOT be another five months haha),

Salaam,

jMed

it's 2012?!

Happy new year, all!

I can not believe that it's a new year already.  It seems that as I get older, the years go by faster, with much less excitement than before.  Somehow that saddens me.  I mean, I get that I understand more and can see more in my community and my city and the world at large, but geez, I like being excited about life.

But you know what, this past year, especially the second half, I learned so much about myself and what I can do.  I've titled this blog "mandhour" and that word has special meaning for me.  While I was in Jordan, I was able to experience things that I would likely not in the United States.  I found that our American notions of the Middle East are so off and nowhere near accurate (I'm pretty sure that's due to our collective thinking that we are the most supreme in the world.  Um, how bout no, my fellow countrymen, NO!).  From my varied experiences, I developed a new perspective.  Learning from new experiences definitely didn't stop in Jordan.  I came home, went to New York, interacted with lots of different folks and I continued to take in everything I could.  A new way to see things and a new way to think about what goes on around me (and when I say around me, I mean what's happening all over the world.  That's around me too, even if not close in proximity at all).  Mandhour--the Arabic word meaning perspective.  It is now incorporated into my life.  When I get to mental places where I make unreasonable or irrational thoughts (which, is way more than it should be haha!), I make myself stop to first give thanks for my life and the blessing that it is, then I think about the opportunities I've had and how things could be so much different.

Mandhour.

Lately I haven't been great at remembering these things and it's been putting me in a tizzy.  I've been way too emotional or way too attached and in some cases way too analytical about stuff that I know good and doggone well that I need to just let go.  Let live and let go and let God.  How hard is it, really?  Evidently it's been more difficult than it ought to be.  Been too serious about getting minor things done.  Too serious about little matters.  Too serious about aspects of relationships that could very well change with the snap of a finger.  Just too damn serious.  I'm too young to be so serious.  Granted, a bad mood or two is completely normal, but getting stuck in these serious funks is where the problem is.

Well, this morning as I watched the Today Show, one segment focused on happiness in the American workplace and how less that 50% of Americans are happy with their jobs. I could look at this two ways.  One would say that there are so many people who would die to have a job, so stop complaining.  The other says, goodness gracious, if that many people are not happy, then there is a serious problem.  I know there are so many factors that keep people from chasing their dreams and being truly happy, but I want that cycle to stop with me.  And that's with more than just workplace contentment and happiness.  That's with my entire life.  I want to do what will make me happy.  Of course I'd like to live well, but what good will any of that do if I can't also enjoy it?

So anyway, I'm just really thrilled to see what's next, especially the next few months and right after graduation (can't believe I'm almost done with this program!  It has gone by so stinkin fast!).  I just wanna live it up and be happy.  Tell people how I feel, let them know their value in my life (or eliminate them if there is no value HA!), just make the most out of this life.  I mean, because there's only one, ya know!

With new found and ever-progressing and ever-growing mandhour, salaam,

jMed